Yeah, Trojan horse maybe,
I slipped into a battle ready stance, my brand new sword held out, trying not to soil myself
Gazing out at the legion of Elim encased in fiery skeletons bearing outrageous weaponry
They were arsenaled to the hilt, I wondered where they acquired such a vast stock of weapons
They moved towards me in methodical expert precision
In my minds eye I saw the Elim for the warrior race they were
Stomping those who would have once competed for their station of god-hood into the ground
Thrashing a bloody path through the early ages
Impressing the Elohim to the point of elevating them to lower level deity-hood
Things moved in slow motion as I knew without a doubt that though I had come far
I was not ready for this, I was no match for even a handful of them
Might as well have "novice" stamped on my forehead
I noted in my peripheral vision
The non-prisoner hell beasts the Lake of Fire was laced with
Scurried out of the way in panicky fervor
I expect several skittered off to nark on us and our unprecedented burst of activity
I thought of Azrael then, in the seconds before the first of the Elim reached me
Then I snapped back into focus, surveying their weaponry once more with dread
At closer look their arsenal appeared formed of glowy energy and of thought
They seemed to span the ages and cultures
There were Uzis and katanas, staffs, maces and railguns
In the distance I swore I saw catapults and a friggin psionic panzer, I kid you not
Wow was I ever screwed! The Elim it seemed did nothing in small measure
The first Elim reached and engaged me sweeping in at me
With an elaborate Excalibur caliber medieval sword
I barely blocked with my lovely gilded red flame sword
I felt the power of my sword sing to life in my newbie hands
The power of the sword though incredible
Could not possibly make up for my lack of experience
The cold sweat of fear trickled down my spine despite
The extreme heat of liquid fire that surrounded me
The skeleton opened its toothless mouth to allow the Elim to speak
The Elim were possessed of the same scream song voice as the Elohim, only more child-like,
"For now we take this in steps, kitty.
Progressively build you to combating all who come at once"
I grinned nervously, “Bit excessive don't you think?"
I gestured to the approaching legion who began to stop a few feet away with my sword
The skull of the host swiveled into an unnatural angle
"That which you'll face upon your sugar glazed quest of spanktitude
May well be even more excessively extreme,
Prepared hands are hands that are more likely to remain attached to your puny arms, yes?"
Not waiting for my answer this Elim pounced on me, sword swinging back and forth
I parried clumsily, they spoke more while attacking at a steady pace
"Mastery in most all forms of combat and weaponry is much preferable to
Shoddy warrior-ship, in representing the Elohim in this epic yummy quest,
A quest that would have been handed to us were we not stuck where the Elohim are,
You have much to live up to, you must make us look good and respectable
Knowing the Elohim as we do, failure may result in nasty things"
Our swords made metallic clanging sounds, which threw me a bit,
Their sword comprised of zero metal and mine more flame than metal
I stumbled, the Elim howled, the creepiest sound I'd ever heard,
I shivered, holding my sword out to block the next thrust
"Oh how we've missed this!" my opponent screeched
The other Elim grew restless, a few letting out appreciative howls of their own
There was no way they would go according to their gradual progression plan
I could feel them inching closer I could see a few drooling out liquid flame
Oh that's disturbing
The Elim who faced me had apparently had just taken off the kid gloves
As their attack pace increased, I began to incur nicks, scratches and gouges
Which, though they healed quickly enough, worried me
I began to tire some and the hunger I'd been successfully until now ignoring
Stirred in the pit of my stomach gnawing at my insides screaming for me to feed
If only I knew what my species of undead ate, if only I knew what species of undead I was
The Elim sword went through my thigh with a malignant searing sensation,
Leading me to wonder if there weren't some strange poison in their weapons
I cringed and curled around my wound instinctively
The Elim bellowed in thunderous laughter
As my opponent exclaimed with a giggle "You fight like a turtle!"
I stood still dumbstruck and shamed, the words "What the fuck?!" never making it past my lips
As the host pressed the advantage, running me through the chest
As the Elim tried awkwardly to pull the sword out they cried out
"Oh monkey balls!!! We have way too much to teach you kitty-mouse!"
A skeletal hand pressed my shoulder hard as they freed the sword
I swear I felt that poison sensation yet again and my hunger swelled
I made pained expressions as my wound sucked closed
My opponent seemed to have spaced out,
I noted yet again the antsy fidgety boredom of the other Elim
They were itching for a fight and would not be held at bay long
They would descend on me en masse quite soon
This all transpired and my wounds healed before the first drops of blood hit the lake floor
I smiled, a rough and tumble girl could get used to this
Speed healing, heightened awareness,
This whole weird slow motion battle mode thing I seemed to have entered now
Off handedly I wondered if maybe I ought to have a shield
Reading my mind, my Elim opponent scoffed and hollered "Shields are for pussies!!!"
Before hocking a scary fiery loogie onto the ground
"Ok, ok," I placated
The Elim spun into attack, I managed to block though the force of the blow buckled my knees
I heaved a cranky sigh and the Elim taunted "Where are your moves Turtle?!"
My leg flung up and I landed a kick to the skeletons sternum with a crunch
The host flew off balance just enough for me to regain proper footing
From the Elim, "Better," followed by a series of harsh sword thrusts to random locations
I was impressed by both the skill of the Elim and the way they managed to get
The awkward stiff skeletal corpse to move like greased lightning
We battled at length until I pulled off a spontaneous flip
Bringing up the gilded red flame sword to slice the fiery skeleton in half pelvis to skull
No sooner had I dispatched that opponent than another rushed in to take its place
Wielding fast moving double katana blades
I took to heart what the first adversary had quipped
"Where's your moves Turtle?" became a sort of mantra echoing in my head
I'd never had moves and I'd better develop them quick
Each battle could not last as long as the first, I was hungry and tired
Additionally I felt a deep need to impress the Elim
I wanted these battle gods to know that this novice fucking owned
My katana brandishing adversary whipped those blades around me like a creature possessed
My thoughts drifted back to the way I had taught myself to move again
I allowed the music to fill my head again and moves began to slide out of me
There was a subtle pause in this Elim's attack and the others fell a bit silent
My sword was flying around the Elim in an exact mimicry of
How it'd been attacking a moment ago
My feet then flew up one after the other to thunk the host in the skull
And I then thrust my sword through the top of the skull and crushed it into the ground
Two Elim came at me then, one with a staff the other with a scimitar
As with the double katana bearing Elim I slipped into thoughtless motion
Snippets of music I heard in life infiltrating my mind and
Blending in creating a better soundtrack for kicking some ass
Multiple opponents were much harder than single opponents
I seemed to adjust ok, intense whisperings kicked up amongst the watching Elim
I smiled despite the fact that the scimitar kept biting
Into my lower half, hard, every time I blocked the staff near my head
My battle partners pushed me towards the edge of our combat area
Closer to the other Elim I caught the gist of what all the whispering was about
It came down to this - they were aghast that not only were they no longer able to read my
Next move out of my mind the only thing transmitting from me was
Bizarre rhythmic grinding noises and eerie nonsense lyrics
To them it seemed as if there was no longer anyone inside me,
I'd worried unduly about their telepathic abilities being a major obstacle in this
A small thrill of victory leapt through me, though I'd not won this night
I'd won a valuable weapon for there were sure to be many
Enemies with mind reading skills in battles ahead
After lopping the head off the staff wielder
And disarming and hacking to pieces the scimitar bearing Elim
The Elim began trickling into the battle in increasingly large numbers until finally
I heard a solitary child-like scream of
"Aw fuck it I can't wait any longer to play with the kitty-turtle!!!"
Then the entirety of the Elim legion threw down
It took them all of 30 seconds to knock my ass out
Much later I awoke feeling viciously battered though my wounds were healed
Looking about it was clear that all save one host had returned to normal
The blazing skeleton was a few feet away watching me curiously
After I'd wrenched myself to a sitting position the Elim spoke
"You did quite well little one,
None of us expected you to make it so very far into the battle,
I'd say that had you fed recently you'd probably have lasted a fair bit longer,
Why have you not fed even once since the Elohim came to you?
All things not entirely dead must eat regularly to perform at maximum capacity,
You are endangering the mission by willfully weakening yourself, munchkin"
Before even uttering my reply I sounded pathetic
I squeaked out softly, "I don't know what I can eat,
Even were there human foods to be had here
I doubt that my new form can gain sustenance from what nourished me while alive,
Now I am undead, but what kind of undead?
From what they say the undead eat some pretty taboo stuff"
The Elim was quiet for a bit, then,
"Well, as an undead we can narrow down by what you probably don't eat...
I'd say cookies are out, I tried to eat a cookie once...
It went badly. They just sounded so very nummiful...
Best to rule out human foods entirely, few non-human creatures save maybe animals and
To a small extent demons can eat human food,
Angels eat metal, but I don't think that's going to work,
The Elim eat anger and the Elohim eat lots of things like clouds, human dreams, goldfish,
Some monkeys, stones, gems, tornados, awe, melancholy, boogers...
Well they eat a lot of stuff...
Your rage had awakened the Elim enough to feed the Elohim, who woke right after,
What do undead kitties usually eat? There were no undeads when we walked the earth..."
I closed my jaw, which had fallen open as this Elim told me what the Elohim ate,
I shook my head to remove the image of gods eating boogers
"Well there's different kinds of undead, vampires eat blood,
Zombies eat flesh and human brains...That's all I know"
The Elim covered its mouth with a skeletal hand and made a dry heaving sound
"That's awful! I hope you don't have to eat that nasty crap!
Ugh I'd rather eat cookies again!"
A sigh escaped me, I'd hoped the Elim would be more helpful than that,
The host rose as though to leave, turning back to me it asked another question
"Comestible-doomed little kitty,
Why is it you have not yet attempted to escape this place?"
The question struck me raw,
It had been a ridiculously long time since I'd entertained the idea of escape,
I began to answer, then trailed off as a foreign tugging sensation
Slipped into the back of my mind
The Elim rapped on my head, "Well?!" it said impatiently
I rubbed my head, a goose egg forming and then receding,
"Well what?!" I snapped
The Elim snapped back, "Escape! Why have you not tried!?
You forget shit like a Mnemosyne victim"
"We were just talking about that?" that was something I'd no desire to forget again
I felt a familiar tugging at the back of my skull and I fought it
It appeared there was some anti-escape planning mojo in this Lake
I struggled to hold onto my thoughts for a bit more before the pressure abated
The Elim waved a skeletal hand at me, "Never mind I caught all that,
Your anger tastes good," practically drooling, the Elim moved closer
Siphoning my anger off of me in greedy gulps
That was a terrifying experience
"Holy monkey poo kitty! You're like a freaking endless vending machine!
My name is Kirion, and I'll check in on you more regularly now,
And not just because you are like snack Heaven,
But as your guide and liaison to the Elohim,
In our accidental prison Elim food is more readily available than Elohim food
Much energy is expended to astrally visit you
Among the Elim I've had the most contact with the Earth beasties
I visited in dreams extensively that's how I learned of cookies
Manifested it myself..."
Once feeling returned to my body after her little snacking episode
And the creepiness of being used as a vending machine wore off
I was able to speak again "Well maybe someday I'll be able to make you real cookies,
They'll taste better, anyhow it'll be nice seeing you around,
It was lovely meeting you Kirion"
"You too catnip!" and she was gone, the skeleton fell to the ground limp turning to ashes
And blowing back to its prisonous spot
I tried to stand but was still weak from battle
By now I was sure something in their weaponry was toxic to me
However before I had a chance to figure out any solutions
I was grabbed by throat and held up in the air
By none other than the Prince of Darkness himself
Azrael looked furious...and far sexier than I remembered
In this place the flames turned purple as they touched him
As though acknowledging him as lord and master,
He spoke low in that deep silky voice of his that just nullified all of my dignity
"The Lake workers tell me you've been causing all manner of disturbances down here,
Are you so disrespectful of the dead?"
His gaze cut straight through me
I nearly confessed all to him, I had to remind myself that this Azrael
And the Azrael of my fevered fantasies were not the same person...demon...whatever
I returned a steely gaze to him and quipped "I don't know what the hell you’re talking about"
His look softened and I was sure he was about to kiss me,
His face so near I could smell his breath, which smelled of otter pops...
That gave me pause, I adored otter pops and now wanted one very badly
Also I realized I knew very little of the real Azrael,
Those frozen tubes of flavored ice wouldn't last two seconds down here
The heat was so intense, he must go to Earth for them
Something that would shed new light on him, maybe he had no taste for Hell
I allowed myself to hope as my insides screamed hurry up and kiss me already
He inhaled my scent and reared back abruptly, filled with anger and indignation
"What the fuck?! Gillian!"
He wiped his mouth as though he had kissed me and had been disgusted by it
I rose to my feet and pinned him with a hateful glare, the dick,
"You're UNDEAD!" he ranted
"You're observant" I shot back
"Gillian, angel, you are going to tell me EVERYTHING"
I doubted that but held my tongue, opting for a simple shake of the head
"I'll not be denied" he snapped his fingers
Two beefy demonic minions appeared
"Hekyl and Mikot reporting for prisoner transfer, your most egregious highness"
Azrael stepped closer, "This prisoner is too boisterous for the upper Lake,
Place her in Lake pit 12 in full restraint, and...let me make this very clear,
This prisoner is of non-violatory status,
Regardless of where she may or may not get transferred"
Azrael plucked my new sword out of my hands
"Sleep for now Gillian, I'll be by later to interrogate you at my leisure"
His hand passed over my face and I lost consciousness
What did you think of this episode? What do you think of the battle, the Elim and Kirion? Why do they call her kitty (I have an answer for that and I want to see what guesses are made)? What questions do you have? How yummy is Azrael? Will Kirion partake of quality cookies?
~ Christina Nabity
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